(My Dad is actually stable now and has been moved to a rehabilitation center. He’s got some significant therapy ahead of him, and he is ready and willing to do the work.)

Why am I telling you that we thought my Dad might die last week? Because it reminded me – on a number of levels – about how precious each moment in our lives is. I feel the sense of urgency in my family right now. We are certainly making every moment with Dad count. We’ve renewed our perspective on what’s important and what is small stuff. It’s too bad we sometimes need a shake-up like this to remember.

Also, I wondered last week how to respond when people asked me, “How are you?” How are things going?” Well… there was this HUGE thing going on with my Dad! Yet, I also knew – through our important conversations last week – that my Dad was at peace and was not worried about his future, however it played out. So, in many ways I was “well.” I felt blessed.

So…I was asking myself: “Can I say I’m doing well when my Dad might be dying?” I decided I could. My Dad would want me to. I can feel sadness that my Dad may not be with us physically in the near future AND still enjoy the moments of my life.

As humans, we can often live life just waiting for something to be over. We can have thoughts like: “Life will be better when…” “I just have to get through this then…” I know I find myself falling into these trains of thoughts sometimes.

Yet…the time to enjoy the moments of our lives is RIGHT NOW.

During the evening, there was a moment when I made a choice to engage with them without giving in to them.  To allow myself to be present to it and to also come from a place of disappointment but not from anger.  What I realized was that I was speaking to a room full of people and the majority of them were delighted I was there and were eager and open to the conversation we were having.  I was and am very grateful that I had the presence of mind to focus on those people who were engaged.  If I gave into my anger and annoyance, I could have easily turned the evening into a disappointment for everyone in the room.   That’s the moment I realized I wanted to come from love and not from fear.

When I first realized what was going on it felt a little scary.  I started to think; this won’t be successful, our brand is being tarnished, I have to take control of the room and figure a way out of this.  Instead of giving into the fear, I reconnected with my inspiration.  I love helping people choose to lead lives that inspire them!  That was why I was up there in the first place and it is at the heart of everything I do.  I tapped into my inspiration and the knowledge that what I do makes a difference every day and with every person with whom I interact.  In that moment I made a choice to come from love and not from fear.  I chose to embrace every person in the room and remember they are simply people trying to do their best.

Later that evening I realized I had received a gift. I got to experience something that most of us do not see in the moment.  Being perfectly candid, sometimes I can let my anger fly freely. But that night  - I didn’t give into anger (which is usually sourced from fear).  That night – in the moment I experienced a “both – and” kind of awareness  and it was occurring real time.  It allowed me to be present to both the disappointment and also the inspiration I was bringing, and I believe that was only possible because I was coming from love.   And as it turned out – the feedback from the evening was very positive and powerful. Oh, I was definitely disappointed, but even the disappointment came from a place of love.

Where are you reacting from fear in your life?  How can you tap into your inspiration and into love instead of the fear?  Try it and let me know what difference it makes.

You see, in true leadership, you have to be you.  You cannot be authentic if you are trying to be someone else.  Assuming this is accurate, then how do you find out what your true leadership looks like?  In Tiara, we think true leadership is powered by inspiration not emulation.  At the source of our model is answers to questions like:

-          What inspires you to be the leader in your life?

-          What are the things that make you go the extra mile?

-          What are the items and elements that you care deeply about and want to create and protect them?

-          What makes you TICK?

When you start to answer these questions deeply and truly, you start to see what your true leadership is all about.  So, of course,  I asked myself these questions, and I became aware that I love seeing possibilities for myself and others in a way that excites and ignites action.  What I came to realize is that my leadership changes people’s lives.  And that, is the source of my inspiration.

Once you have clarity about the source of your inspiration – THEN – you can begin to explore how you can hone it and own it.  In Tiara’s True Leadership Model, your inspiration is at the center of the model . . .  and the three core components that build upon that center are Awareness (knowing yourself), Results (leading others), and Influence (creating leverage).

So, what is your source of inspiration and what do you stand for as a leader in your own life?  Start 2012 by asking yourself these questions and build upon your True Leadership in 2012.  Join us on Tuesday, January 17th, 2012 at from 1:30 – 2:15 PM (Central US) for this FREE conversation and exploration.  Click here to register  http://tiaracoaching.com/events/global-events/january-17-true-leadership-teleconnect/

Even though it was a dream, the feelings were very real. These were feelings of loneliness, guilt, unworthiness and shame, all uncomfortable feelings of separation. And that at a time of the year around Christmas, when we are supposed to be celebrating oneness, peace, community!

What could possibly be the meaning of this dream and these feelings? Assuming that there is a meaning, of course. I pondered the thought that the feeling of separation was in myself. And if I would be able to restore that, I would feel better and I would be better company to the people around me. Well, at least for today.

The question I chose was: what is it within myself where I feel lonely, guilty, unworthy or ashamed? What  parts can I not accept about myself?

From this dream I  take it that at some level  I may not accept large amounts of money flowing to me, and also that I can’t accept illegal actions or not playing by “rules”.  Mmmmm, food for thought and further contemplations. Pretty fun game to take it this way.

I am currently adding to the list of “what can I not accept about myself”. And making it a fun game.

Any ideas on what you may not be accepting about yourself? And what you can decide to happily dismiss, at least for this moment but maybe also for 2012?

Here’s why: If we focus on the holiday spirit, then the task can seem elusive. It’s out there… it’s external to us. To focus on the holiday spirit we would need to understand and agree with some universal essence of the holidays. It’s outside of ourselves, somewhere out there. It makes it hard to know what it is, how to get it… and we end up just knowing that we don’t have it… whatever it is.

When you focus on your holiday spirit, now it’s personal. You get to define it, you get say what it is.. and reclaiming your holiday spirit is within reach. Although it can be revealing and take courage, it’s the way to experience the holidays in the manner that’s most important to you.

Given that context, we asked the TeleConnect participants to follow the 5 simple steps to reclaiming your holiday spirit. Here is what I realized for myself as we explored the steps.

1. Assume you have a holiday spirit. It can be easy for me to think that I’m a bit of a scrooge because there are some aspects of the season that I don’t get into (like taking pictures with Santa, getting out the good china, and decorating the house). Yet, if I think for just a moment, there are other aspects of the holidays that I love and appreciate. I love how people reach out to help and support others during the holidays. I get delighted when someone takes the time and attention to get someone else a gift they know the receiver will love. I appreciate the events that bring me together with my loved ones…especially when I slow down and make sure I’m “present” with my friends and family and feeling truly ”connected.”

2. Name your holiday spirit. When I clearly identify the aspects of the holiday that I find inspiring, then it’s fun and easy to name my holiday spirit. Mine is named “Giving presence” speaking to the delight I feel when someone gives a gift that is perfectly suited for the recipient and to my desire to be “present” and tuned into the people in my life.

3. Act like your holiday spirit. If I was acting like my holiday spirit, Giving Presence, then I’d have some fun hitting the specialty shops in my neighborhood to see if I can find some perfect treasures. I’d make sure there was enough “space” in my calendar to ensure I wasn’t rushing from here to there and could relax and enjoy and be present at the events where I choose to show up. I’d involve my family in buying gifts for a family in need.

4. Witness your holiday spirit in action. Since the TeleConnect, I’ve noticed and appreciated the Salvation Army bell ringers and the “extra” solicitations we get for help during the holidays. These are all from people committed to brightening someone else’s life. How great is that? I’ve also gotten just a little bit more excited as the gifts I’ve ordered for others arrive. And, I see how those around me are getting into the season in their own ways, and I’m enjoying the idea that there’s no “right” way.

5. Be generous and forgiving. Someone on the TeleConnect call shared that a way she could “be generous and forgiving” would be to assume that people are coming from the best of intentions. This is brilliant. I know people are doing the best they can. I know I’m doing the best I can. This is a perspective I want to hold onto as well!

What can you do to reclaim your holiday spirit?

One of my defining moments was when I was 4 months pregnant with my second son.  I had just returned from and 8 week maternity leave from giving birth to my first son, when 2 months later I realized I was pregnant again.  These babies would be 12 months apart or as we said in my family, ‘Irish Twins’.  When I told my firm that I was pregnant again they were not happy and gave me grief about going out on maternity leave again.  I realized that how I felt in that moment was very telling — I didn’t feel like this firm really valued me as a leader.  It was not my intention to have a second child so quickly, but I was pregnant and now I had to figure out how to have a career and be the mother of two infants.  At the same time I was recruited by a competitor to come to work for them.  I sailed through the interview process and learned that this was a company that honored family as one of its values.

When I started the interview process I didn’t realize I was pregnant, and all along I felt like it would be a great fit.  However, things did not go as planned.  The recruiter confirmed that I would be made an offer at our next lunch meeting.  I showed up at the lunch, but before they made the final offer, I felt compelled to let the executive  know I was pregnant.  I didn’t want to show up in two weeks and have it be a surprise.  I felt the honorable action was to be in integrity with how I would want to handle the situation if I was extending the offer.  So I told them I was pregnant.  I also explained that my husband was an at-home dad and that I would return to work ASAP and intended to have a long and successful career with their firm.  Amazingly, the executive never handed over the official job offer.  Instead he back peddled and said that they were going to look at other options and that perhaps there would be a position for me in the future.  Obviously this was not the response I expected from a firm that spoke of family values and placing the employees at the heart of their company.

When I tell that story many people tell me I shouldn’t have told them I was pregnant.  I should have just accepted the job.  And that was a defining moment for me.  I learned that walking my talk as a woman of integrity was doing the right thing no matter what.  As a leader I have often asked myself, what is the right thing to do in this moment.  And you know what, in my heart I always know the right thing to do.  It might not be the easiest, but it will be the right thing in that moment.

Please share one of you defining moments.  Go to www.tiaracoaching.com and click on the defining moments contest.  Which moment helped shaped you to be the woman you are today?  We’d love to hear . . . .

A few years ago I began the practice of keeping a daily gratitude journal; taking time each day to record a few things I’m thankful for. Here’s what I’ve noticed about recording what I appreciate each day – I pay attention and look for things to write in my journal. Sound silly? Maybe and, I’ve shifted my focus over the years from what’s not working, to what I’m grateful for each day. Here are some of my recent entries:

• A surprisingly warm day in November
• A workshop that went well, the participants were engaged and it was fun
• A good nights’ sleep
• Lunch with my daughter, time to hang out with her
• Seeing a good movie with my husband
• Going for a walk and enjoying the crisp fall air
• The beautiful colors of autumn
• Connecting some really engage women at a networking event
• Completing a project and feeling really satisfied with the result
• Having coffee with a colleague
• Loving a new book I’m reading
• A really exciting meeting with a potential client
• Putting the garden to bed for the winter

When I pay attention, I see so many parts of my life that are working. AND, I am much more observant of my surroundings, noticing a beautiful day, the leaves turning colors, the crisp fall air. I appreciate a good nights’ sleep and hanging out with my family. I truly believe that cultivating the feelings of appreciation has a powerful impact on the way I see my life and the world around me. I am present to the wonder of life.

How can you amp up the gratitude in your life every day?

• Start a gratitude journal, each day record 5 things you appreciate
• When you’re waiting at a red light, notice 2 things you are grateful for
• When you’re having dinner with friends or family, go around the table and share what you appreciate about each other
• Express gratitude to at least 1 person each day
• Take a moment every day to appreciate yourself

What are other ways you can create an attitude of gratitude?

… I remember being 16 years old and being a very good basketball player for our varsity team. We had an arch rivalry with another school and during the game the people in the stands started getting really mean and ugly. It was a tough game, and it was going to come down to the final few moments. I remember looking up in the stands and instead of seeing people cheering positively for our team, they were arguing and hollering at the other team and the refs. I was actually really embarrassed. We lost the game by 3 points.

That moment has shaped me more than I realized. In business, in life, and in my coaching (I still coach girls basketball), I am all about putting your best out on the court and giving it your all. Although I am a competitive person, it has never been about “beating someone else” and instead I learned it is about doing my best and expecting to win!

Perhaps you have noticed your own mind putting you down, criticizing you, or judging you when the fires of inspiration and motivation have dwindled. What is so interesting is that we human beings have a very strong tendency to try to motivate ourselves with self-criticism and we are often unaware that we are doing so. We operate under the belief that we “should” be motivated and productive. If we are not motivated, we believe something is wrong and that self-judgment is not only warranted but needed if we are going to get back into action. Why do we hold this belief? One important reason is that growing up in our culture we typically experienced some combination of parents, teachers, coaches, and/or other authority figures trying to motivate us with criticism. Honestly, as a parent I have been on this bandwagon countless times saying things like, “Why can’t you keep your room clean?” “Get your act together and start behaving better ”or“ Stop whining!” in an irritated, critical tone. Recently at my daughter’s soccer game, I noticed a father angrily yelling at his daughter at half time, “What are you doing on the field? You are all over the place. You need to get it together and focus. Use your brain and think about what you are doing.” Initially, I judged this father for talking to his child this way but then I reflected on what happened more deeply. What he was doing was not really any different than how I have treated my kids on many occasions. And both of us are a product of larger culture that frequently pairs motivation and criticism together.

Adults often use some form of criticism and negativity to motivate children. Thus many of come to assume as we grow up that self-criticism is a useful and even necessary motivational tool. In addition, the critical way of demanding behavioral change or improvement of children sends them the message that total self-control is possible. When children are criticized for their mistakes, they come to feel deeply responsible for their failures and difficulties. The pain of parental blame leads children to believe they must avoid mistakes and failures (which is not possible for any of us) and that they deserve harsh criticism if they fall short. These children grow up to be adults who use self-criticism as a “stick” to motivate themselves (and often become parents who use “sticks” to motivate their own children). But how effective is this approach? Over the last few weeks I have seen firsthand that it doesn’t work. Think about it. If you want to be truly effective when you seek to motivate and inspire others to take action and meet their goals, how would you speak to them? Would you choose to be critical? Would you put them down or insult their character calling them lazy, inadequate or worthless? You wouldn’t! Because you know it wouldn’t work. It is true that you might be able to influence behavior with negativity in the short run. I was able to get myself to return email and complete a few small projects with my self-critical thoughts but by day’s end I actually felt more deeply unmotivated than I had at the start of the day. I found that when I was self-critical, I would end up procrastinating as a way to avoid the negativity my chastising was creating. Then I would surf the Internet, spend way too much time in my email Inbox and do other activities that were unsatisfying and did nothing to restore or refuel me to get back to work. Any short term gain from self-criticism had a bigger cost by day’s end.

If we want to truly motivate and inspire ourselves we need a carrot instead of a stick. We need someone to be there for us who is positive and encouraging telling us to get back on our feet when the fires of motivation wane. We need care and compassion on the often challenging road to accomplishment and success. And you can be that person for yourself. After a couple of weeks into my downward motivational spiral, I got out a big bag of carrots. I began to deliberately acknowledge how I was feeling and support myself to both take action toward my goals and intentionally take care of myself to help recharge my batteries. It sounded something like this:

“Alison, you have just come off a really intense period of work with a great deal of responsibility to yourself and others. And you are not feeling all that motivated and inspired right now. In fact, you really just want a break and a long vacation with little responsibility. And that is okay. Motivation goes up and down in life. And right now it is down at a time when you have projects and commitments you value and that feel important to complete. Underneath this lack of motivation, I can see a real need for nourishment and time to refuel. And given what is on my plate, I am going to make a real effort to ask for help, connect to what I value, spend time reading for pleasure, taking walks, and connecting with good friends as a way to support myself to do what matters. I accept that I am not super motivated right now and I trust that it will return at some point especially if I offer compassionate support to myself.”

This kind of self-talk is not automatic for me. It takes a conscious commitment to engage with myself this way. And it works. Within a few days of this new inner dialogue, I was feeling more motivated and inspired. Through this kind of repeated self-encouragement, I was able to witness how I was feeling without judgment and thus better able to support myself to get back into action in a way that would not be so depleting in the future. I also have a renewed commitment to parent in a way that encourages my children to motivate themselves with carrots instead of sticks.

How do you motivate yourself and respond when you feel unmotivated?

Any changes you would like to make to how you motivate and inspire yourself?

On my way home I was feeling very happy and content, enjoying the drive, the beautiful sunset… The high scores … The elated atmosphere with  the group felt like a true validation of our own authentic leadership, Gerda’s and mine. 

When I entered my house through the backdoor and moved through the kitchen, it took me just a split second to completely and instantly loose that feeling.  During those 2 days all by themselves (my husband was also traveling) I could quickly see that  all the stuff that my 2 darling children  had laying around before I left was still in the very same place.  And even a lot more was laying around.  They  seemed to have made no efforts to prepare  themselves a decent meal.  And now I was the one stumbling over the fastfood plastic and paper bags. Even the dog didn’t have water! And then my son told me he had failed his exam that day…  And my daughter: I found her in bed with a migraine. Very sad in itself and also confirming my fears that she – and her brother – are not growing up in a way that they can truly take care of themselves. You know, they are 20 and 22 years of age… When am I done raising them?

So where did this situation leave me with my “authentic leadership” in the home situation? It left me nowhere. I instantly felt extremely tired and very, very sad. I went to sit in a chair and felt the tears rolling from my eyes all over my face. I let it be. I simply let it be. So out of alignment. My thoughts and feelings just as scattered as all the stuff around the house.

And you know what? Just letting it be, after a while brought me that feeling of relief. It simply came to me. It seems like a paradox, that “doing nothing” is one of those things to gain a better feeling. I just couldn’t help but shifting: from  feeling scattered, to feeling authentically sad to authentically feeling better.

Today I feel  back on track. The kids are being nice and helpful and making me tea spontaneously. I didn’t do or say anything in particular to make them do that and yet apparently I am leading them to act in this way. I like to conclude that one simple small thing to DO for reclaiming authentic self – and authentic leadership – is to simply BE.

Do you have an area in your life where you can decide to just BE for a while?