Blog
A New Perspective on Forgiveness
by Alison Miller
April 22, 2010
Recently I had a profound shift in my thinking about forgiveness after reading an excellent book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. For many people his ideas and beliefs about forgiveness may seem “out there.” For me, they were what I needed to hear and in many ways what the author says feels to me more like something I knew but forgot as if part of my brain was waking up and saying, “oh yeah, I remember that.”
Basically, in a nutshell he speaks of forgiveness in a way that has less to do with what other people have done and forgiving them for it and more to do with viewing what others do as opportunities for healing (and actually gifts to you). Okay, that might sound radical (or maybe like something you once knew). So let’s take an example. I recently learned that a friend had been gossiping about me and saying things that were unkind and actually untrue. I know this person struggles with many issues so I was not surprised that she would act in this manner. Nonetheless, I found myself hurt and angry. In the traditional model of forgiveness, I would find a way to forgive her by releasing my anger and resentment towards her but I would not condone her behavior and I would maintain my sense of “rightness” that what she has done is wrong. I remain the victim and she the perpetrator. In the radical forgiveness model, I look at the situation through a very different lens. My friend’s behavior is not actually a betrayal but rather a result of our souls conspiring for my own healing (okay, I know that sound like some new age out there line of thinking…but stay with me). Her behavior actually is a gift to me.
My friend’s behavior activates me in some way and I can either look at from the victim-perpetrator model or I can look at as an opportunity for my own healing. This line of thinking does challenge me…what about the holocaust? People being abused and mistreated? My own maternal side of the family was killed in WWII. How do I apply this model to their death simply because they were Jewish? How would my grandmother who lost almost her entire family in a matter of minutes be radically forgiving? I don’t have all of the answers but I am finding it very powerful to let go of being a victim in many, many situations in my life and rather to ask, why I am in this conflict or this situation with another person? What do I have to learn from my friend saying negative things about me to others? Rather, than be right about how I have been “wronged,” I have focused my energy on what I can learn in the situation and how it is actually useful for my own healing. I see that my friend’s behavior challenges me to have a deep sense of compassion, to let go of concerns about what others think, to know myself, and to be in touch with who I am at the essence regardless of other’s opinions or points of view. This way of being radically forgiving has given me an incredible sense of peace. The more I step out of being a victim, the more powerful I feel.
What are your thoughts on forgiveness? I would love to hear from you!