Blog
“I want my skateboard in the future today!”
by Betsy Sobiech
October 9, 2009
This past summer I took my nephew William, who is 3, to a great park overlooking Lake Michigan. We had a great time running, climbing, jumping, and swinging. Pretty soon it was lunchtime, and my job was to get the kids home, fed, and napping by their time my sister returned. So as we transitioned into the car, I was commenting on how much fun I had when I heard sniffles from the backseat. I turned around and huge tears were beginning to slide down Will’s cheeks. “What’s wrong?” I said. “I really want a skateboard,” was his response.
I looked up and caught sight of a bigger boy skateboarding on the bike trail and realized that Will’s desires to both “go fast” and “be a big kid” merged into a desperate need for a skateboard right then. Of course I didn’t want to say no, yet I wasn’t prepared to diverge from the PB&J/reading/naptime routine and just throw a skateboard into the mix. As I thought about what to do, his tears escalated into a full-blown wailing episode. So I said, “Will, you can have a skateboard, but not today. You can have one in the future.” After a brief pause in the sobbing, he replied using all his best manners in a quavering voice, “Aunt Betsy, can I please have a skateboard in the future today?”
My first level of insight was immediate, clear, and entertaining. From my vantage point, I knew he would have a skateboard someday. I also knew that his happiness did not depend on having a skateboard. That he would have lunch, take a nap, play outside, and be fine. More than fine, really, he would have a delightful afternoon.
From his vantage point, his happiness depending on that skateboard, and he really didn’t know if he would ever get one. Of course having no understanding of abstract concepts, “the future” meant nothing to him. It’s all about do I have the skateboard or not? If not … devastation.
This initial learning for us is clear. As grown-ups we still get frustrated by not having our “skateboard” (career, promotion, relationship, finances, house) today. When we decide we want something we want it now. For some of these things it’s easy to see that we need to be patient or go through a process, and we can set our impatience aside.
However, there is a deeper learning available to us during times of extreme pain. Sometimes our “skateboard”, what we desire, even as grown-ups is so intense that we do feel like our whole existence depends on it. When our brother-in-law needs heart surgery, and we want him to be OK. When our daughter has a brain tumor, and we want her to grow up to be healthy. When we can’t pay our mortgage for the first time, and we want to keep our family home. When we find our soulmate but can’t be together, and we want that intimate partnership.
In these situations not only do we believe that our happiness depends on a particular outcome, we also feel completely out of control of the result. That’s the recipe for an stomach-turning internal roller coaster ride. This is a ride that I am personally on today, so I thought I’d share some in-the-moment ideas about what to do, Tiara style.
First, I need to accept my emotional reaction. I found that the most effective way to do this is to wail, out loud “I want my skateboard in the future today!” (with sobbing and fist-pounding if necessary) until it seems funny. This seems to take somewhere between 2 minutes and 3 hours. I’m serious. Start with this step, it totally works.
Second, I breathe and get clear about what I really want. I don’t really want that skateboard today if by getting it when I’m not ready I crash down the driveway and end up in the hospital with a broken leg. Maybe what I want is to go fast. In my particular situation what I truly desire is love, intimacy, partnership, and adventure. Those things are completely available in my life right now.
Third, I reconnect with my values in terms of how I want to handle the situation and my emotions. What do I want to be known for? What do I stand for? When I act according to my values, even if it’s painful I end up making choices I’m proud of that lead to the best result.
Fourth, I must have faith. If I really want a skateboard, I’ll get a skateboard when the time is right. Let it go, enjoy the day, play outside, take a nap, have some ice cream. Trust that the perfect skateboard for me (even if it’s not exactly as I imagined it today) will come along at the right time.
Finally, I’m thankful. I’m thankful for being alive, for wanting something, for being passionate, for the future possibilities, and for being present to how love, intimacy, partnership, and adventure are present in my life today, even without that particular skateboard I have my eye on.
FYI, you might have to repeat this process, multiple times depending on the intensity of your desire, but each time you go through it, you’ll access a deeper sense of trust, peace, clarity, and gratitude.
Let me know how it goes and if you need anything along the way!