Blog
If only I could trust…
by Amy Riley
January 7, 2011
Recently I listened to a smart and talented friend of mine express her anxiety about completing her applications and getting into one of her preferred doctoral programs. I completely understood her anxiety. It takes a good deal of time and effort to find the programs and complete the applications, and I know it’s nerve-wracking to wait and hear whether you get accepted. And…I knew that she would get into a program that she loved. I had complete trust in her and the schools and the universe that she would find and be accepted into the program she most wanted.
It had me wondering… Why can’t I have that kind of trust for myself, for my endeavors? If I can trust that her desires will be fulfilled, why can’t I trust that mine will?
I think we fall into a couple of completely understandable, yet detrimental, pitfalls.
We can think that there’s a finite amount of “success” out there, and if she’s getting what she wants and he’s being successful at this same thing, than there won’t be any left for me. These other people have already taken up all the “success stories” and there are none left. And, of course, this is not true! There’s an infinite amount of success out there, and actually others having success can tell me that I’m more likely to experience the same.
We don’t recognize our own strengths and talents and worthiness. It’s easy to disregard our core strengths. Since they are so inherent to us, our talents can almost become invisible. It’s not a big deal for me to do “X” – it’s not hard for me – so I dismiss it as a talent. Also, we can think we’ve got to work hard and deserve the results. When, really, each of us is deserving of great things and I believe it’s far more valuable to work smart than hard.
I think my capacity to trust myself would increase if I avoided these pitfalls.
What do you think? Why is it that we can trust that it’ll work out for her…yet we often doubt what’s possible for ourselves? And, the flip side, what does enable you to trust in yourself?
The other day I was coaching one of my clients and he said to me “for what they pay me to do, this is ridiculous”. Now you may be thinking to yourself yes, I am so underpaid…yet he was actually suggesting that he was being overpaid for what he contributes.
I asked him why he felt that he was being overpaid for his services? His response was “because it comes so easily to me”.
The conversation then turned to this concept of suggesting that things must be difficult in order to have value.
We often minimize our gifts (or strengths, as you mentioned) because they come so easily. We live in a world where you have to work hard to get what you want in order to feel successful and worthy.
Where does this come from? The exterior achievement model we are exposed to day-in and day-out plants the seeds for this thinking. First off, as a child, they are always raising the bar on you. You start in kindergarten on a level playing field with everyone. Then, a teacher or standardized test acknowledges you are good in math and other subjects, and you get put in gifted programs. Why can’t you just be good at math and call it a day? Of course, it’s because they want you to recognize your full potential which isn’t, in itself, a bad thing. They raise the bar to challenge you more and more, and therefore, you learn that just being good at something is not accepted.
Second, our idols and success stories on TV and in the media are the best of the best. Mass media doesn’t give two winks at anyone else. So we hear about how Michael Phelps swims X thousand laps a week. To get to this level, even with natural talent, one can do little else but take that natural talent to an entirely different level through extreme practice. And by only focusing on the best of the best in the world, the media leads us to believe that aspiring to anything but psychotic and harrowing efforts is substandard.
My father used to say that life is not fair and there is truth to that. However, I always added to his statement “yeah and I will have work hard to get anywhere!” This limiting belief is why it has taken me so long to trust in myself and recognize my gifts that I have to offer.
I am so thankful to have recognized this limiting belief and continue to work on trusting in myself. My gifts have and continue to create abundance and opportunity. I was thankful to have been able to share in this “A-ha” moment with my client and hope to continue down the path of trusting in myself.