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Professional Women Using the “F” word at Work. . . . I’m referring to the word “feelings” ; >)
by Elizabeth Ruske
September 9, 2010
Years ago it was simply NOT OK to show your emotions at work. Women who did were seen as weak or worse, incompetent. I remember back in the 90’s, I was constantly being told by my mentor and boss to leave the emotional and personal stuff at the door when I entered my office. Compartmentalizing is something I think most men do very well, but for whatever reason, I have seen few women excel at this skill. I too was able to do it for a short time, but eventually I realized I couldn’t operate this way. I was shutting down a big part of myself and it wasn’t making me a better professional, it was actually making me worse. For me, it brought out my impatience and it gave me tunnel vision for results at any cost; maybe effective for the short-term but not an effective long-term leadership model.
But then something happened. My sons (who are now in college) were 6 months old and 18 months old respectively and they both became very sick. It started out as just a severe flu but then the 6 month old came down with Meningitis. It was one of the most emotional and difficult times of my life. All of this was occurring over the Christmas Holidays while I was on break. When I went back to work after the first of the year, I was completely spent. I was not starting my new year as planned – i.e., feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. Instead, I rang in the new year in a pediatric Intensive Care Unit praying to God that my infant son would live. In moments like that you come to realize some very important things. For example, I WAS the mother of 2 infants – so pretending I wasn’t their mother for 10-11 hours every day was not working. I also realized that I couldn’t just turn that fact off when I walked in the door to my office. I did have some “personal baggage” and there was nothing wrong with that – in fact – it made me who I am.
Thankfully, my son fully recovered and 60 days later I resigned from my position and my company. The firm was not pleased and accused me of many things, ranging from going to work for the competition to being completely ungrateful because they had given me not one – but two – maternity leaves in the last year. While I did my best to explain this was a personal choice it clearly fell on deaf ears. I recognized that this was not a place where I could be completely me.
I share this because today I had a very emotional day, and it had to do with finding a way to support one of my sons as he navigates through the choices and challenges of being in college and figuring out his path in life. I found myself trying to “handle” the situation by trying to compartmentalize my emotions so I could function and get my projects completed. And by noon I realized that was just not going to work. So, instead of trying to muscle my way through it, I called one of my business partners and I shared what was going on, and YES – I was pretty darn emotional about it.
As a result, I was able to move through the situation very quickly and within about 60 minutes I was back on track and being very productive. Had I kept trying to “handle things the old school way” – I probably would still be feeling bad and clearly NOT had a productive afternoon or week. That is just one of the things I love about the Tiara Programs. By allowing and encouraging me to be fully me (including being emotional at times), it allows me to be accountable for my own productivity and results.
Why are we so afraid to express our emotions at work?
Why is it bad to have feelings and to be in touch with them?
Just think . . . how much more productive our lives could be if we could bring all of ourselves to work or play and know it was safe, effective and expected! Wow, now that’s a company I would love to work for and be very loyal to!
Very catchy title. Love that! I think it’s an awesome perspective to share and acknowledge the emotions and how quickly, when we share, or get into dialogue, (specificlly for women the power of words/talking) the “intensity” disappears. I think because we allow it (the emotions) to “be” in the space and then that can allow the next step. This is a well written, insightful share, thanks Beth.
I think (acutally, I know) I am afraid to bring emotions to work b/c I’m the “upbeat” one, the “glass half full gal” and it’s draining to be a drain…but, these are not the emotions you are referencing (I think) the draining person is just crabby about something, always…getting in touch with “bad emotions” is a practice I need to practice!
It also points to the question, do we have a best friend at work? Do we have trust at work? It opens up a lot of questions for me in terms of what and how I share and with whom.
The biggest insight I see in your writing is NOT powering through it and getting into dialogue. Bravo. That’s so huge in day-to-day “just do it” mentality that doesn’t work in the long run.
Thank you so much for sharing a lot of this great information! Looking forward to checking out more blogs!
Wow Beth,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love you more in every share, and the funny thing is, there is a surprising spin off: I come to love and appreciate myself and others more too. Thank you for creating the space and allowing that to happen. You inspire me by accepting “what is” and cannot be changed, by being with “it” for what it is and by choosing to do what is at your power to find relief, e.g. calling someone. And how great this someone gets to be a business partner!! That’s a world I truly like to envision and hold the space for too.
Jenny, you bring up some excellent points . . . and completely illustrates the Power of emotion – both positive and negative. As someone who finds myself in a leadership position often, it can be scary to the team and my family when I’m not composed and not showing up in the “way” they have come to expect and count on me to show up.
And, inside those moments I think opportunities are created for others to share the leadership role. And, I need to do two things, regocnize I need and want their help, and ask them to step up. It’s when I feel it is all on my shoulders that I tend to fall back in the “old leadership” model. But when I remember I honor co-leading and not only achieving the end results but also how we achieve those results – then I remember to stop and embrace it all.
And Franciska’s comment about accepting “what is” is a huge part of all of this . . . if we keep resisting the situation we remain stuck.
And as proof of this . . . Once I completely released the current situation with my son, within 24 hours, the University provided incredible compassion and several accommodations for him to resolve the issues. Presto!
I completely agree, great aricle!
Just a quick update regarding the issue that I was struggling with last week that involved one of my sons.
On Wed. I spoke with one of my business partners and was able to release the feelings of concern and I was able to then jump back into action and move forward on some projects. But the really cool thing is that a day later, out fo the blue, I received confirmation that the issue with my son was resolved and resolved in way that totally worked for him. SO, by addressing my feelings in the moment, not only helped me get myself back on track – it also helped me release my ‘grip’ on the situation and it actually solved itself.
Now that is amazing!