Blog
The “Next” Attitude
by Alison Miller
July 16, 2010
I am in a new place. After 18 years living in Chicago, I moved to Los Angeles. One of the things that concerned me most about moving to a new place was leaving my communities of friends and my network of colleagues and providers of all sorts of things like eye doctors, massage therapists, pediatricians, dry cleaners, and so on. You don’t realize how many people and places you count on until they are no longer available to you on day to day basis.
So here I am starting over…well I am not completely starting over. I have some friends here and some great network connections and of course my family who have lived here a long time. And I am pretty clear that I want to build new communities and connections here. One of the communities I want most is a community of like-minded woman who are good friends, who support each other, and who I love being with. Ideally, I would like to find other women who are interested in personal growth, who share common values with me, and for some of them to have children close in age to my own children. And to be even more specific, I would love it if some of these women are married to men who connect well with my husband and we can get our families together. What I want most above all is to develop friendships with women where we feel free to just be ourselves with each other. We have fun, we enjoy our time together, and we make each other’s lives better.
So I have managed to meet quite a few women in the short time I have been here. Some of these women seem very nice and like there is potential to be friends. And some of these women seem to have no interest at all in being friends. Some women weren’t willing to have a conversation. Of course, I don’t know what I really going on with them but I don’t get the feeling that a friendship is in store for us. I think in the past I would have taken it personally. I would have assumed that the other woman didn’t like me, that perhaps she thought she was “better” than me, or that there was something wrong or unappealing about me. While any of that could be the case, I think sometimes there just isn’t a connection and in truth, many of the women I have met here already have well developed networks of friends and are not actually seeking more friendships. I am feeling amazingly at peace with however a woman responds to me. If we have a great conversation, that is great. If we make plans, even better. And if nothing comes from it at all…I am good too!
What is the difference in my attitude? It is the “next” attitude. When a connection isn’t made, I just say in my mind, “next.” Not that I am writing of the woman off forever or judging her. It isn’t “next” in a haughty or superior tone like at an audition. It is more of an “hmmm…guess that isn’t a match…let’s see what is next way of being.” I know what I want in a friendship and if it isn’t present, then I am totally willing to let things go, not take it personally, and refocus my energy on what I want and be open to meeting other friends over time. The “next” attitude helps me feel calm and trust that in time…maybe even a longer time than I would typically like…I will start to feel like I have a nurturing community. “Next” helps me remain committed to what I want and let go of the attachment of having to have it sooner, faster, or in a certain way. It may also be that is not the perfect timing when I meet a certain woman and that a friendship will be developed at some time down the road. “Next” helps me let go of having to be friends “right now.”
The “next” attitude also is very useful in business. Some people who come my way are perfect, ideal clients and it is a real match. And sometimes it is not an ideal fit so I create a win-win situation instead and refer that person to someone who is a better fit. The “next” attitude reminds to trust that there is someone else right around the corner who is an ideal friend, client, etc. The “next” attitude has become a great source of freedom!
How about you? Where do you have a “next” attitude? Where do you think shifting and bringing more of a “next” attitude would make a difference for you?
This is a perfect article for where I am in our recent move to Minnesota, from So. CA, we are in the same spot of creating new networks. I appreciate your words around what’s next? Letting it flow and creating win/win. Love that.