Blog
Where are you settling?
by Elizabeth Ruske
May 12, 2010
I think we all have a capacity to tolerate a lot of things in our life. But what happens when you find yourself settling for things that you really don’t want to settle for?
This happened to me a week ago. My husband and I recently sold our house. It happened so fast that we were not ready for the “buy” side of the transaction. So, to take the pressure off, we decided, let’s just rent for a short time and figure out where we want to go next as we transition to being ‘empty nesters’. Now, there were many variables I had to put into this equation, and I thought I was doing a good job of putting everything into the mix. That was what I thought . . . until . . . I went along with a choice my husband and son wanted that I didn’t want. I didn’t even realize I was doing this until I found myself getting both very emotional and also physically ill.
When I paused and said, “what’s going on?”, I realized that I was settling for something that was clearly NOT ideal for me. It might work for my husband and sons, but it was not a win-win. It was more like a majority rule and I was NOT in the majority.
The thing I found so frightening is that I wasn’t even aware of it. This was so sneaky and stealth-like that I didn’t even realize I was doing it. And I think I am actually pretty good at recognizing things like that. I am very grateful that my body took over and helped me take a step back and realize what I couldn’t see. What a great lesson for me!
Where are you settling for less than ideal or less than win-win? Where are you putting yourself last in an a equation instead of an equally weighted variable in the process?
Where am I settling? Thanks for this question Beth!
2 things come to mind:
- I got a text message from Verizon the other day alerting me to the fact that I had higher than normal texting usage. Instead of just calling and dealing with it, I told my husband not to text me and was just hoping that others wouldn’t text me. Well then when 2 texts came in first thing the next morning, I realized I was just tolerating the situation. I do this with technology. Instead of figuring out the ideal situation/arrangement for me, I just tolerate the less than perfect circumstances. When I did contact Verizon, I signed up for a new unlimited texting package and my bill will now actually be $15 less each month!
- We live in Chicago and our parents and siblings live in the burbs. Since November of last year, we have traveled out to the burbs for every holiday and birthday celebration. That is LESS than ideal for me!!
Thanks for re-presencing this for me!! From awareness comes opportunity!
Amy
Amy, I love both of those examples. Very telling.
The country song by Sugarland, Settlin’ has lyrics that I just love . . . .
I ain’t settlin’ just gettin’ by / I’ve had enough so so for the rest of my life … I ain’t settlin’ for anything less than everything.
I love that!
Thanks for the reminder about creating a win-win situation. I’ve been struggling to connect with my friends. I love them and want to see them more often, but our schedules often conflict (or I should say the ideal times each of us would like to get together don’t always match). Although I’ll suggest what is truly ideal for me, sometimes I get concerned that it might come across as if I don’t want to see them (because I’m not going along with “their plan”). But by reframing my approach as a win-win situation, I feel better about coming up with the best plan for everyone involved. Thanks!
That reminds me of a phrase that really works for me (when I remember it and when I honor it!) —
If it’s perfect for me . . . it’s perfect for everyone.
Thanks for the post. Keep writing.